Personals

I like reading the personals section in the Isthmus - it's a local Madison newspaper which is free and supported by advertising, like theSun in Malaysia, so they have more weird stuff than a normal paper. Sometimes it's to fantasize, sometimes it's to go "awwww" over the stories people post in the "I Saw You" section, and sometimes it's just to scratch my head and go "Whaaaaaaat?" :

Common Interests
I BELIEVE IN TRADITIONAL gender roles. I oppose modern immigration to the US, mainly because it threatens America's identity. I believe in preserving the traditional distinction between town & country, oppose automobile-related development, would like to see the return of passenger trains, & feel all retail should be in the center of a town. I am a vegetarian, mainly because I think animals have feelings, like people. If you share all these beliefs, feel free to contact me.

Wait...so you're a stick-in-the-mud conservative AND a hippy vegetarian? And you only want to meet people who share ALL these beliefs? Good luck, fusspot.

Here's another really strange one, although I have more sympathy for this fellow. Italics mine:

Men Seek Women
GOOD GUY NEARING RETIREMENT Seeks companion, possible LTR. Illiterate, enjoys country music, TV, movies. Lives in Fort Atkinson. Letters Only.

Perfectly sensible explanations emerge if you think about it for a minute, but it's pretty funny at first blush.

I Saw You
SAW U BARTENDING at THE OLD FASHIONED Mon 1/21. sat at end of bar, w/friend, ordered fat squirrels. Have seen u before, u seem interested.

This one I thought was completely disgusting until I remembered that "Fat Squirrel" is a beer from the New Glarus Brewing Company. Capitalise, people!

Really, if I somehow managed to abandon all morals and sanity, this is the one I'd reply to:

Multiple Partners
ATTR LATE 30'S PROF COUPLE Seeks attr SF for spoiling, 5 star travel, fine dining & hot erotic play. Prefer NS, height/weight prop.

Oh wait...I'm probably not "attr" enough to please them anyway.