Sunday, April 30, 2006

Maya, maya, maya

On Friday night I was out on State Street with EK, my friend Jingle from Lawrence Uni, and some of her friends. We passed the new Madison Museum of Modern Art in the Overture Center; even just the museum shop's window display was so fantastic that I had to go back later by myself to gaze at the glass forms.

It struck me that the reason glass is so fascinating is that unlike other manmade objects, including other art media, it doesn't simply absorb and reflect light from its surface. It takes the light into itself, bends it, and throws it back out re-shaped. In this way, glass is like the vertebrate eye, which also doesn't simply pass light on to the brain but re-shapes it, taking the virtual image that falls on the cornea and reconstituting it as a real image on the retina. To look at glass is to gaze into another eye - inanimate, but seeing.

I had to look up the Wikipedia entry on lenses to recall the English terms; on Friday night I could only remember the words as I had learned them in Malay, imej nyata and imej maya, the "clear" or "obvious" image, and the "illusory" "delusional" image. Maya is a word from before the time of Islam, when Southeast Asia was Buddhist and Hindu. It's a Sanskrit word referring to the unreality of the world as we see it. (It's also, for obvious reasons, the name of a professional 3D graphics software.) According to my Fajar Bakti dictionary, alam maya, the "illusory world", is a synonym for alam semesta, the "whole world".

A good lens reconstitutes without distortion an image from the light that falls on it; a piece of art glass may also throw back what it sees, but also creates images within itself of things that do not exist. In this way, glass is truly maya.

Then yesterday when I was grocery shopping there was a flier out for UW's Glass Lab Open House...how could I not go?

I made it there an hour before they closed this afternoon, just in time to catch the beginning of a plate-making demonstration (pictures later). I'd be scared to work with glass. The sense of rhythm and timing, and learning to handle and use the properties of the material is appealing, but the prospect of having your work gone in an instant with one false step is frightening.

I ended up buying two glasses ($27 total) from the students' sale.

They were made by the same person. The first one is a lovely exercise in minimalism. Just plain colourless glass with a small square of simulated fish scales:

The second I don't like quite as much, but I got it to match the first:

Yay, I bought art - exciting! I've become more comfortable with the concept of buying art since being around Jodi and Laura on last year's Philippines trip. It seems less like something "rich people" do and more like something I would do just to have a small piece of beauty. Either that, or I'm becoming "rich people". =P

Friday, April 28, 2006

Subject, verb, object

On Thursday morning I had a new and funny experience: usually I'm a researcher. That day, I was a subject.

My engineer friend Steve sent me a recruiting ad for a brain-computer interface study - i.e. getting people to control computers using their brains. Yes, it sounds silly at first if you don't read the techy sections in the newspapers on a regular basis (actually, if you do read the techy section, you're probably the kind of person who reads news online anyway), but there's actually quite a lot of work being done on that - the most obvious application being for disabled people to use computers more easily. Even totally paralyzed people could in theory communicate via a BCI (here's a cool example of an alternative text input program that's much faster than trying to type on an on-screen keyboard).

I registered partly for the $10 per hour (cash being more of a need than the mere financial gain, since I earn more than that at my job, but am perpetually running out of duit syiling) and partly for the cool factor - after reading books like Neuromancer and being a big Seven of Nine fan in one's teens, how could anyone like me not want to have a go?

Being the night owl that I am, getting up at 6:30 in order to have breakfast (most important meal of the day, mah) and get to the appointment at 8 was the worst part. EF, the scientist, turned out to be a petite, square-faced young woman with curls pulled back in a ponytail and lips bigger than mine (which is quite an accomplishment). The first thing was filling out consent forms et cetera and having EF explain how the tasks would work.

First, she said, she would put an electrode cap on my head. This looked rather like a swimming cap but perforated with white plastic rings all over - these were the electrodes. Next she took a fearsomely large syringe - the tip of the needle was completely blunt, she reassured me - and squirted some gel into each hole, scratching my scalp lightly with the tip to make better contact. The last things were a ground electrode clipped onto my left ear and a heart rate monitor strapped to my wrist. With that rainbow of wires running from me I felt like Frankenstein's monster.

Or maybe just someone with a very strange hat.

Since I've never had an EEG (electroencephalogram) before, it was strange to see the jagged graph of 19 different traces on the big flatscreen monitor. EF asked me to blink, to move my hands, and to clench my jaw, and we could see how the traces responded as I did so. It was important to relax while trying to perform the tasks, so as to not confuse the computer's reading my mind.

The screen went black with a giant green 'T' in the center. EF explained that the first task would be to watch for a red square to appear randomly on either the left or right side of the screen. Easy enough. The next task, however, was to keep still completely and just imagine clenching my hands in response to the squares. For purposes of imagination, I decided, it would be best to recall the most intense sensations of hand-clenching - the draw of the muscle running along the medial (inner) side of my forearm and the pressure in my knuckles. My breath stopped with the tension and then there was the added confusion of trying to relax and breathe normally. The two minutes felt as if they'd been stretched out to five.

So, once more unto the breach, dear friends...

The next two were similar - a square would appear at the top or bottom of the screen instead, and I was to clench my hands or tap my feet correspondingly, then repeat in imagination. Whee.

The fifth task actually sounded fun. In response to the red square at the top of the screen, instead of making a movement, I was to imagine hearing a song. "Pretend you're listening to it, not singing it, because that uses a different part of the brain, and imaginary lip movements could mess up the EEG," EF told me. I picked the Twelve Girls' Band cover of Coldplay's Clocks - it's a lovely instrumental song because it brings out the tick-tock rhythm of a mechanical clock well, which for me tends to be rather hypnotic and get stuck in my head. The problem with that, of course, was that it was hard to stop thinking about when the red square wasn't on.

After doing that twice, we finally moved on to the fun part where I would get to control the computer with my brain...or so I thought. "There'll be two big red squares, either on the left or the right, and a red circle in the middle, which is your cursor," said EF. "Try to get the ball into the square and hold it there for half a second."

My first try was gratifying - the ball zoomed to the right, dived into the square, which flashed yellow - barely. It wavered from side to side with an irregular bouncy motion. After a few more seconds, the square vanished and another appeared on the left. The ball dived to the right. ARGH. After a few more goes, it seemed that I could reliably make the cursor move to the right, but hardly ever to the left. "Think about motions on the side that you want it to go to," EF suggested. I tried to imagine clenching my left hand, or tapping my left foot, but after some time was reduced to furiously thinking, "LEFT LEFT LEFT, CELAKA!"

EF took off the cap and the clips, paid out the ten bucks, and gave me tissue paper to wipe the gel from my hair. As I exited, I looked again at the poster I'd noticed when coming in that said, "...volunteers can also experience some of the frustrations disabled people face." Amen, and may it teach me greater respect.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Panties gone?!?

I found some Wensleydale at Copps Supermarket and bought it partly because I acquired a taste for fancy cheeses while working as student catering staff, and partly because my boyfriend EK is obsessed with Wallace and Gromit. We tried it Saturday and it's really freaking good. Flavourful but not too strong, light and crumbly...it's like feta in a selamba mood.

More searching at Copps turned up Stilton, another cheese that Wallace likes, but it's in a sort of laminate made of 2 slices of Stilton and 2 slices of Double Gloucester (which the Brits apparently pronounce "Gloster"...they're as bad as the Americans when it comes to speaking their own language). So I looked online to find out what they taste like, and also looked for other British or English cheeses.

I have no idea how Welsh phonetics work, butbutbut...just try pronouncing this one as if it were in English. =D

Terbaboom!

On my way back from work yesterday, after going under a highway bridge (Whitney Way, at the Beltline, for those of you familiar with Madison) it seemed as if the traffic coming off the highway was more confused than was normal for rush hour. Then I noticed the big cloud of smoke:



This is exciting! I mean, how often do you get to see a car on fire in real life? After ascertaining that there were no ambulances or distraught ex-van-drivers around (that would be pretty ghoulish, to stand and gawk at suffering people - I do not indulge in the Malaysian habit) I whipped out my digicam and took pictures. That was one of the better flare-ups.

Don't worry about the fireman on the ground - he's not dead, he's just spraying water underneath.


At one point there was this big FOOSH and water fountained out of the windows. Guess it hit something hot and a lot of it must have flashed to steam instantly.


The water sprayed pretty far from the steam explosion (see arrow). Also note old KPC aunty and kids in the background, also visible in previous image.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Time for everyone

I was at a party at one of the International Fellowship people's apartments this evening. We watched Chariots of Fire, which is a great movie - I'll have to ask my XC runner sister (not FMF, the one in between us) if she's seen it. I couldn't take my eyes off Ben Cross as Harold Abrahams. I liiiiiiiike the runner physique. ^_^

Which is sort of funny because about the only thing EK has in common with Abrahams is that he's Jewish, hehe. ("a runner? i have flat feet!")

After the end of the movie, Fan, who'd been hiding in Sarah's bedroom with textbooks and occasionally popping out for popcorn, emerged and attacked Terrell, the IF advisor.
"You ignored me for three hours!"
"What do you mean, we ignored you? You were studying the whole time!"

Then I hung around for about half an hour while Terrell counseled Fan about academic stress and her aunt yelling at her, LY tried to take a digi SLR photo of Sarah's cut of baby back ribs for Sarah's doctoral thesis on CT scanning (don't ask what she did to the ribs previously, but maybe one of the CT machines at the UW hospital smells like raw beef now), and LY's wife skimmed through the thesis.

Terrell gave me a ride home - the UW grad student apartment complex, Eagle Heights, is too badly lit at night for cycling without headlamps. On the few minutes' drive back he asked me what year I was, what I planned to do in the future, and about EK. It's funny...I expect people to make time for people like Fan, who's an exuberant little freshman, and talks in that hyperventilating way that some PRC girls have. You know she wants someone to talk to, not to talk at. Because she's a cute vulnerable FOB international student who needs the help, you know she'll be happy if you listen to her and tell her things.

What I don't expect is for people to make time for an arrogant punk like me who's pretending to be a grown-up, with a bad sense of humour, and so assimilated into Anglo/American culture that she can cap lines from the Wizard of Oz. On the rare occasions that happens, I'm more than happy. I'm astonished. =P

Ah. Jesus made time for everyone. Even the smartass punks.

Monday, April 17, 2006

tabula rasa

I think - I cling so fiercely to my writing and my art because so little else of what I do comes from within me. Other than that, I am too quick to compete, to submit, to accommodate, to argue - all actions in response to others. I am a person of remarkably little initiative; although pride would deny it, I need people to tell me what to do. Only my stories and my drawings come from somewhere so deep that I can no longer accurately trace back the stimuli that went into their creation, from what I might call my soul.

My mind works through my hands; lips stutter and halt.


On the plus side - this is way out in "the land of non sequitur", as my high school history teacher would have said - I am not allergic to sulfa antibiotics (in this case, trimethoprim-sulfamethoxazole).

Saturday, April 15, 2006

scrunch scrunch scrunch

If you saw last year's Wallace and Gromit movie "The Curse of the Were-Rabbit", you were probably amused by the Bunvac, Wallace's contraption that sucks rabbits out of their burrows (the European rabbit, unlike the American cottontails, have large burrow/warren systems, as anyone who's read Watership Down will know).

What you probably don't know is that there's a real-life Bunvac - Gay Balfour's Dog-Gone operation, which sucks prairie dogs out of their burrows with a giant truck-mounted vacuum, just like how Wallace removes bunnies. The great thing is that the guy likes prairie dogs and keeps them instead of just euthanizing the lot, also like Wallace with the bunnies (except that he sells some of them to captive breeding facilities for native carnivores like black-footed ferrets, hawks, etc.).

We've been getting blood samples from the guy to see if his animals have or haven't been exposed to a certain disease (we shall use them for fiendish experiments bwahaha). The first time around, he'd frozen the samples, so the cells couldn't be spun down and Susan was annoyed (for ELISA, you centrifuge the blood to separate cells from serum and use the serum, but if you freeze blood it gets all mushy).

Animal rights people (1 2) apparently don't like him because they claim that the pdogs are injured by the vacuum and by subsequent poor handling. =( As methods of extermination go, I think it's still better than gassing them (refer to Watership Down again...). The prob with most animal rights activists is that they aren't willing to acknowledge that forcing farmers, scientists, consumers, and other mainstream people to make sudden radical changes to lifestyle and economic activities is unreasonable. If you want to reduce and prevent animal cruelty, be willing to compromise, and provide reasonable alternatives.

Or you could just be a damn bloody terrorist and bomb research institutions, I guess.

I'd like to go out to Colorado and watch Balfour's operation for myself...boss was joking about "let's all take a road trip". Too much lab stuff...want to do fieldwork again...wah wah.

The one thing that I find really weird about it is the guy's given name. Bad enough for a woman (although very very old fashioned, obviously) but if you're a man, how can you show your face with a name like that?
(no, I'm not being homophobic. just that i imagine he must have been teased half to death in high school.)

Do watch Curse - it's such a funny movie. The part with the little bunnies in the woods howling at the moon is priceless. I just wish my boyfriend would stop quoting it...

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Hail King Jesus

I rode my bike to the Maundy Thursday service at church this evening. There was a severe storm warning out this evening (yes, I'm stupid, but I also missed the bus to church) so a friend offered me a ride back. VERY glad he did, because these started falling out of the sky just as he was about to drop me off:

Barry wouldn't let me get out of the car, so he drove to a petrol station till it stopped. I picked up some hailstones on the lawn outside my apartment before dashing indoors quickly. Here's a close-up of the biggest one. Looks kinda like a brain.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Abbreviated grossness

Some culture media you don't realize how disgusting they are until you see the name written out in full, like:

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Intradermal M. rufopictus - and plug for the BBC's LOTR radio production

So...c'est moi. The colours do look better in real life, my new camera being cheap and having poor autofocus.


Funny thing about yesterday was that I'm more afraid of strangers and strange situations than of needles. Maybe it's partly my morbid fascination with anatomy and pathology - within the past year I've been vaccinated against JE, hepatitis A, rabies, and to cap it all, smallpox, and was actually excited about that. Kicking around in front of the desk waiting for Dave to set up his workstation was more uncomfortable, psychologically, than sitting on the chair with a sharp buzzing thing feeling as if it was being dragged through my skin. The pain was comparable to a small bee's sting, fluctuating depending on site and whether he was using the one big needle or the shader (several small ones grouped). At the moment it's still a bit sore, like a sunburn or a first-degree scald.

The artist who did my shoulder was a really nice guy, and I liked his portfolio on the website - a lot of naturalistic wildlife pictures were what caught my attention. He had books on outdoor ponds, koi fish, and Ando Hiroshige at his workstation and was chatting with another of the staff about a book of ukiyo-e prints he picked up for cheap at Barnes and Noble.

(Something that's rather baffling about Americans - tattoos of Japanese- and Chinese-style images are popular with them, even though in those cultures, tattoos have strong negative [i.e. criminal] associations. The most baffling are those idiots who get Chinese words written on them even though they're totally illiterate, and apparently have never thought of searching for the abundant Chinese dictionaries available online, often with disastrous results (see Hanzismatter.com for some prime examples). )

Here I would like to insert GREAT PRAISE for the BBC's radio production of Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings, since I was listening to the last few bits - from Cirith Ungol to Aragorn's triumphal entry - while being inked. I'm not going to knock the movies again, but this recording brought back a state of mind that I haven't felt for a long, long time. It was in my mid-teens when I'd reread the books so many times within so short a timespan - perhaps three or four times within the year after I first discovered them at thirteen - that I'd internalised them, carried Middle-Earth and its legends around in my head.

I can still recite Sam's scrap of the Lay of Gil-galad, and Galadriel's farewell lingers in my head as even some scraps of foreign poetry will, like the quotation Eco ended The Name of the Rose with: "Stat rosa pristina nomine, nomina nuda tenemus."

This regenerated that feeling whereas the movies didn't, because a movie forces you to experience a story as the camera eye, grand panoramas and narrow close-ups. Reading or listening to a story recreates it in the way that one's own human memory does, shifting from concept to concept instead of shot to shot. The part that almost made me cry (while on the bus) was listening to Pippin pledge his loyalty to old mad Denethor. "...until my lord release me, or death take me." Wahlau...goosepimples.

Hey, and what's a bit of smarting when Frodo and Sam are trudging across Mordor to Orodruin?

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Bzzzzt!

I just paid $250 plus $30 tip for a man to poke me with needles for two hours. No, it wasn't acupunture (which is what my roommate SN thought when I said that).

The picture is from a shot of what Jodi calls "the most beautiful bat in the world", Myotis rufopictus. The artist is Dave at Steve's Tattoo on Williamson street in Madison.

It's a lot of money, but in terms of cosmetic spending...there are some silly cows who spend that much on makeup and clothes in a month. I've never so much as had a haircut that cost more than USD 12. Consider that my 10 years' worth (from puberty till now) of makeup expenditure. =P

Tattoos seem to be pretty mainstream among younger people in the US, at least in metropolitan areas. There are regulatory rules and the studios have nice storefronts, et cetera. Back home it's the freaky skulls and samseng stuff you see on drug addicts and gangsters. SN's facial expression when I told her about this was priceless, because in Japan they're associated with the yakuza (Jap samsengs). "My mom would kill me."

Will post picture when it's healed more...it's bandaged at the moment. Here's M. rufopictus (different specimen from Mt. Banahaw in 2004) and Danny Balete, who's a Filipino wildlife biologist.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Lab biologist personals

My friend JB sent me these AWFUL AWFUL personals. Clearly he's been spending too much time on his senior project (something to do with making nanoscale structures out of DNA).

  1. I’ve been single-stranded too long! Lonely ATGCATG would like to pair up with congenital TACGTAC.
  2. Menage a trois! Ligands seeks two receptors into binding and mutual phosphorylation. Let’s get together and transduce some signals.
  3. Some dates have called me a promoter. Others have referred to me as a real operator. Personally, I think I’m just a cute piece of DNA who is still looking for that special transcription factor to help me unwind.
  4. Highly sensitive, orally active small molecule seeks stable well-structured receptor who knows size isn’t everything.
  5. There must be a rational way to meet a date! I’m tired of hanging out in those molecular diversity bars, hoping to randomly bump into the right peptide. I want a molecule that will fit right onto my active site and really turn me on. I’ll send you my crystal structure if you send me yours!
  6. Gene therapy graduate. After years of producing nothing but gibberish, I’ve shed my exons and ready to express my introns. All I need is a cute vector to introduce me to the right host.
  7. My RNA, I’m sorry I misread your UAAUAAUAA and inserted three tyrosine’s when you repeatedly asked me to stop. Something got lost in the translation. Please forgive me.
  8. Naked DNA with sticky ends seeks kanamycin-resistant plasmid. EcoR1 sites preferred.
  9. Uninhibited virus seeks reason to make me shed my protein coat.
  10. This very selective oligonucleotide has been probing for just the right target for long-term hybridization.
  11. Mature cells seeks same who still enjoys cycling and won’t go apoptotic on me. Let’s fight senescence together!
  12. I’m a prolific progenitor with great potential for growth and self-renewal. Call me if you’re a potent hematopoietic factor who still believes in endless nights of colony stimulation.
  13. I don’t always express myself of the surface, but I’m looking for a signal that you appreciate my complexity. Send me the right message that will penetrate my membranes, turn on my protein expression and release my potential energy.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Mind and Matter

Wrote this for the Beyond Fiction column which I share with Tee Shern Ren in Phases Online. I think Sarah Lee hates me now because I keep turning stuff in late.

Bear in mind that this was written for a column, not a blog entry, so I get to be all didactic and one-sided and stuff ^_^ Also, it's written for an audience primarily of Malaysian teenagers, so I can't be as erudite (trans: cheeminated) as I'd like to be sometimes. I would appreciate feedback on a) general content and b) whether or not it's too cheem for the intended audience.

This is based on lots of conversations with EK, last week's sermon at church, and talking to Steve, who tipped me off to the Delgado book, about sticking things in people's brains. I'd like to have written more about cultural stuff like the idea of responsibility for one's actions, the age of reason, and why giving prisoners implants to control criminal behavior probably wouldn't sit well with the general public, but it was getting wayyyy too long already.

And yes, the "close friend" is EK...obvi. I would have liked to have written "my boyfriend" but that might have been construed as a slap at Algene Tan's (one of the columnists for the Rated R section) glowing opinion of Joshua Harris' I Kissed Dating Goodbye. (Harris has some good ideas, but by his own admission he's rather in the position of a recovering alcoholic saying that all drinking is sinful.)



A close friend of mine is fond of a song by Rush called “Freewill”. Since I’m a Christian and he’s an atheist, arguing back and forth about religion and metaphysics has become one of the running themes in our relationship. Part of the song goes:

You can choose a ready guide
In some celestial voice
If you choose not to decide
You still have made a choice

You can choose from phantom fears
And kindness that can kill
I will choose a path that's clear
I will choose free will

What is this ‘will’ anyway? Note, free will doesn’t simply mean not doing what other people tell you. Assuming that you have free will, you can choose to follow or not to follow instructions from outside yourself, but take responsibility for the choice. Like this:

Stick out your tongue.
Did you stick out your tongue? Wah, so obedient. Did you choose to do that freely, or just because you had to follow along with the story?
You didn’t stick out your tongue? How do you know you weren’t just compelled to rebel against authority? Okay, I give you another chance.
Don’t stick out your tongue.
Oh goodie. Now roll your eyes at my awful lameness.

Concepts like ‘will’ and ‘mind’ may be hard to define precisely, yet we know they’re real, or feel like they’re real. Except when we’re sleeping or unconscious, we know something’s there behind the eyes. So we’ll look behind the eyes first, into the brain.

People use the phrase “gray matter” to mean smartness or intelligence, referring crudely to the parts of the brain that appear gray because of the cell bodies of the neurons clustered there (“white matter” is where the axons are. If you imagine neurons as electronic components, axons are the wires connecting them). People who study the brain are discovering more and more that this wrinkly lump of gray tissue is in fact an incredibly complex organic computer. We’ve accepted for a long time that the parts of a person that interact directly with the rest of the world – that is, sensation and action – are controlled by parts of the brain. Have a stroke, half the face goes slack. Kena whack on the back of the skull, go blind.

However, things that we normally think of as abstract, like memory, reason, and emotion also have physical bases. For instance, a chunk labelled the hypothalamus controls what my psychopharmacology professor calls “the four Fs of behaviour”: feeding, fighting, fleeing, and, er...f__king. Another little chunk called the septal area, if damaged, causes uncontrollable rage, e.g. the story of a maddened rat that chased a researcher up a chair. People who fall in love have a decrease in the neurotransmitter serotonin that resembles people with obsessive-compulsive disorder - speaking from past experience, it’s a really weird feeling. Even religious experience – the meditations of Catholic nuns and Buddhist monks – has been shown to involve changes in brain activity as shown by MRI and EEG, respectively (WIRED magazine, February 2006).

Knowing these things about the workings of the brain, we find ways to manipulate it. Large sections of the pharmaceutical industry (and the alcoholic beverage industry, and organised crime groups) are based on the fact that emotions, sensations, and behaviors can be adjusted by increasing or decreasing communications between certain brain cells by application of certain chemicals. In animal studies, rats, cats, and monkeys have been made to act like remote-controlled robots. In one particularly famous experiment, a charging bull was stopped in its tracks with a radio transmitter (Jose Delgado, Physical Control of the Mind, 1969). Some types of epilepsy can be controlled by implanting electrodes into the patients’ brains, which is a good application of the technology, but in theory an evil mad scientist with enough money could raise an army of mind-controlled slaves.

Hence my friend’s argument that “neurology disproves the existence of the soul”. Since everything we experience has its roots in the movement of ions across membranes and neurotransmitters across synapses, that’s all there is to a person. A popular Christian writer has called this perspective ‘nothing-buttery’ (C.S. Lewis). “It’s nothing but a lump of cells...”, true. My answer was that neuroscience simply shows the physical basis for the soul. What a thing is made of on the physical level says nothing about its metaphysical existence. A book may be nothing but paper and ink, but I would be much less upset if you threw my bottle of Quink and ream of printer paper into the toilet than if you did that with my copy of The Name of the Rose. And even if you hunted down and burned every single copy of it in the world, the book could still exist in electronic copy, or perhaps even in the memory of an Umberto Eco fan. For us who are written in flesh and blood, perhaps this would be immortality – being remembered in the mind of God.

More of the Rush song:

A planet of playthings
We dance on the strings
Of powers we cannot perceive
The stars aren’t aligned ---
Or the gods are malign
Blame is better to give than receive

What I find baffling about a lot of people who insist that there is no god, no supernatural, nothing but the physical world, is that they also insist that the human mind is free. For the reasons outlined above, this can’t be the case. If consciousness has a purely material basis, we are reacting to our environment as fixedly as the stupidest ant, or a chunk of gravel rolling down a hillside for that matter, bound by the laws of physics. It would seem that we’re trapped, either way – slaves to sin, or slaves to God, as Paul of Tarsus wrote (Romans 6). If we are only chemical robots, all our arguments and thoughts are pointless. If we are only divine puppets, then the incarnation and the sacrifice were pointless, because we are offered a choice in that sacrifice, and choice isn’t meaningful unless it’s free.

My contention that soul = brain does put me in a sticky spot. What about people who have suffered brain damage or a mental disorder? The law acknowledges that they have physical conditions that make them not fully responsible for their actions. Does the soul of a human fetus grow along with its nervous system from a primitive neural tube to a fully developed infant brain, or is ‘soulness’ a property that emerges abruptly at some point? (I don’t subscribe to the idea of there being a crèche of baby souls up in heaven waiting to be born.) Do animals intelligent enough to have ‘personality’ such as some of the larger mammals, birds, and octopuses have half-souls? I don’t know the answers and would doubt anyone who claimed to know with absolute certainty.

The point at which the practical questions of everyday life lay a tripwire across the path of all this neuroscience and philosophising is this: Subjectivity matters. There are more than six billion people on Earth, out of whom I am neither the smartest nor the strongest nor the prettiest nor the fastest or the toughest. The Earth itself is a speck of sand whirling through a void, and some time from now – much longer than the lifespan of the species Homo sapiens – will be melted by the ballooning sun, which itself is only a little bubble of gas among millions upon millions. On an objective scale I matter nothing to the universe, but the small world of my senses and thoughts matters very much because it is the only world accessible to me – I can’t have other people’s experiences, and I certainly don’t have a mind big enough to contain the whole of the “real world”.

The issue that is important to the things I do and the decisions I make isn’t whether or not I am totally free to think and act in any way possible, or whether there are such things as absolute right and wrong. The question is whether or not I choose to think about and act on what I believe to be right – whether morality is logical, intuitive or conditioned, even if choice itself is a hallucination. Because I feel it’s real, that choice and its moral consequences are real to me. Human society revolves around the idea of personal responsibility, whether for praise or blame.

The old Methodists used to have a greeting: “Is it well with your soul?” The soul may be a metaphysical object that inhabits the body as a shell, or it may be simply the workings of the mushy, wet, biological brain. Regardless, you know that when I say ‘your soul’ I mean the you to whom I am writing – a being that feels, thinks, and acts. Is it well?

Sunday, April 02, 2006

April Fool!

I hate women's magazines...

...so I decided to make the reading rack at Copps Supermarket a little more intelligent.

And no, nothing in the pictures was added digitally. I just took a bunch of old magazines from my house plus Science and Nature back issues someone was throwing away at work.