So, I was going through some old writings and noticed a file called “LOTR_spoof.doc”, which made me wonder, “When did I ever try writing a spoof of the LOTR? It’s too long!” then I realized it wasn’t a spoof of the book...

All the following material was written in December 2002 shortly after Jerng, two other cousins, another Batesie, and I went to watch LOTR: TT in New York.

Random silliness:

ICQ dialogue from last week:
megabigBLUR: We're going to see the 2 towers in New York.
Ciunas: Weren't they destroyed on Sept 11 last year?
megabigBLUR: I mean the movie, not the buildings, you berk!

Bootleg Fan Videos:
1. Celebrity Deathmatch: Arwen/Eowyn catfight over Aragorn
2. Jane Fonda Gimli exercise video
3. Gollum monologue Coke ad

Dialogues:

Random street scene on the way to the cinema:
[Oi Yen approaches street vendor selling pictures of “2003 Sex Positions”]
Oi Yen: Oog.
Street vendor: Not you, you’re too young.

Behind the scenes:

Elf actor: Dude, haven’t I seen you somewhere before?
Dwarf actor: Yeah dude, you look familiar. Some set…
Both: Star Trek!
Dwarf: I was the Klingon Chancellor’s secretary. Even got to wear the same wig and beard for this one, but I ditched the fake forehead.
Elf actor: I was an extra. I should kick myself in the ass for getting into these friggin’ ear prostheses again, but the pay was good and they were recruiting Vulcans for this…

Orc extra: AaaaaaaAAAAARRRrrggg…
Jackson: What the **** is the matter with you? We’re shooting!
Orc extra: Sorry, Mr. Jackson. Gas.
Jackson: Hey, wait a minute, that would be a great orc battle cry.
Various people on the set: Aaaaaargh.

Storyboard editor: Mr. Jackson, this scene with Orlando sliding down the staircase looks ridiculous.
Jackson: Can it. We’re getting half a million bucks from Activision to endorse Tony Hawk.


Cut from the movie:

Glorfindel: [at Rivendell] Arwen, your little boyfriend’s going to get creamed in short order.
Arwen: Do me a favour and bail him out, please? He’s cute enough to be worth saving. And bear in mind he likes to be in charge. Humour him.
Glorfindel: Ooo, somebody thinks Men are cute…
Arwen: Shut up and go polish your helmet.

Aragorn: [in Elvish] Show no mercy! They won’t show any to you!
Elven archer:[in Elvish, muttering under breath] You little prick, I was killing orcs a thousand years before you wet your diapers.

[in the scene where Aragorn greets the contingent of Elven archers]
Elf: [gritted teeth] Look, I’m letting you hug me publicly because my baby cousin (who’s two millenia older than you, by the way) likes you, and if you make her cry, your guts go on my bowstring.

[in Fangorn Forest]
Gandalf: I fell through fire, through water…
Gimli: [sniggering] …into a bucket of whitewash.

Sam: This stuff actually tastes like recycled Jacob’s Cream Crackers, but Mr. Frodo needs to eat, so let’s look like it’s good.
Gollum: Why do you think I fake an allergy to elf bread?

Gondor scout: Sir, we wish you’d stop toying with the halflings and let them go. They’re getting underfoot, and we all know you’re all ethical and incorruptible anyway.
Faramir: But they’re cute when they get all defensive!